[This is an old and very dramatic piece of writing, I'm not peticulary proud of it, but it should still be here]

Hackysack

Transforming oneself breeds desire for more. Nothing really worked out like I wanted it to, I spend most days feeling alone surrounded by people who love me. I am ungrateful and I am tired and I wish I could sleep, but every time I close my eyes I feel a miniature death. I dream of eating sunflower seeds from the head with you while laying on a bed stretching to the end of the world. I would lean down and bury our happiness under loose floorboards, hoping someone else finds it one day. Hide it from the ginger beard god, sneak between pillows of clouds, and fall asleep forever again. Soon I'll be walking you back, waving until you can't see me anymore, then some more just for myself. At midnight hour I'm awake again trying to remember if anything happened at all.
I was holding a baby, not yours or anyone else's, not even mine. She didn't have a face but her smile stood out from the fog. I could feel her weight, her warmth against my body. I heard her breath, almost synchronised with my own. I never missed anymore as much as her. I keep waking up and she keeps disappearing. In these dreams I can feed her, I show her cartoons, she lays on top of me because she was afraid of being alone in her crib. As if drowned in a lake she never had a name, just like you. I cannot stop waking up, I wish I could dream for a thousand years.
A bat flying across the sky told me to look down at the earth I was leaving behind. I was hitting the stratosphere before I realised I didn't have a body. The bat told me soon I won't be alone, that I will soon see massive faces deep in space, far outside the universe I will meet the answers to my worries. He told me I will be able to see everyone's soul, I will see myself somewhere inside it, converging with everyone and everything I have ever touched. In the deep reaches of space, about a million years from now, I was still looking for the tissue holding the planets together. The more I looked, the more I believed everything wasn't connected. I was a kid in those days. I'm an adult now and I only wish to never be submerged in the soup of life again.
I never stopped looking only at myself. I never found anything there, just ego and pretension. In reality I have never worked. My only struggle was figuring out how to get people to sympathise for me. I really thought things were gonna change. No matter how much I felt I was trying to change myself and my surroundings, I would always end up the same person in the same place. In reality none of this really mattered, in reality nothing can really change, people don't change.
I cry more than I used to, I can't stop crying. I wish I was Candy. I wish I was a person who tried and succeeded to live forever. I wish I was a person.
Things feel dark, everything is always shrouded in shadow. I can barely see around me most days.
I don't want to care about real life